No (Getting to Yes)
It is not possible to say 'yes' if one cannot say 'no.' Otherwise, a 'yes' is just submission. We tend to resent and undermine what we submit to, even if it is otherwise exactly what we want.
There are two ways to handle not having a 'no': 1) never saying no, and 2) always saying 'no.' The always-saying-no style is based on the fear of not really being able to say no selectively once a process or relationship starts.
But true assertiveness cannot be developed just by making a rule for ourselves to say 'no' more often. This is just submission to an image of a more assertive person, and it will convert back to plain submission under opposition. True assertiveness comes from trusting our gut feelings and understanding (that is standing under or taking a stand under) our desires and motives.
A robust relationship benefits from the use of a sincere yes and a sincere no. The following list is somewhat playful but also serious:
- "Yes" Does not mean 'yes forever' It does mean yes without reservations, for now
- "No" Does not mean 'no forever' It does mean no without reservations, for now.
- "Yes For Now" This endorses some reservations, but it implies good faih cooperation. This phrase should not used to substitute for 'no', 'no for now', or 'definitely maybe', because others will be misled to expect cooperation where there will truly be hesitation.
- "No For Now" This phrase implies the possibility of a change of mind but it does not invite immediate efforts to change the decison. However it does imply that the speaker will keep the proposal in mind, and there fore should not be substituted for a polite 'no'.
- Definitely Maybe This implies interest but no intention yet to commit. It may be an invitation to efforts to change the decision to 'yes'. It should not be substituted for no, or no for now, because others will be misled to expect ongoing interest where ther will not be any really.